Easter 2022

Hello, Little One,

We're on our way to your Great Aunt Gina's house for Easter. I hate how I look today, but your Papa said that I was "stuck being beautiful". He always looks put-together so, I feel like a blob next to him.

There's hinting going around that I'll be promoted soon. Amanda (my store manager) made me give her a list of stores I'd go to. If I get placed at Montgomery, I wouldn't have to move right away. The rest are at least an hour away. I'm ready. I'm ready to be an Assistant Manager and I'm ready to move into a place of our own.

Your Papa has been having a hard time at work. He's so critical of himself that the slightest issue means that he's going to be fired. That's never the case, but I can't convince him otherwise. He's so good at making me forget my problems for a while, but I don't really think I help him much.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what if I can't have you. What if I'm too old? What if something is wrong with me? What if I missed my opportunity?

Grandma had me when she was 35. That's my window for myself then. I have you by the time I'm 35 and I can see you grow up and start a family.

I keep imagining you with your Papa. Him feeding you, playing catch, teaching you how to ride a bike, making each other laugh. I picture you with his eyes (same color as Grandma's) and his dimples. You're going to have a big, brilliant smile and a laugh that echoes throughout the room. You'll be quick-witted and funny, but crave knowledge and you'll be driven to be better than you were before. If you're anything like him, I know you'll be perfect so, I'm not too worried about you, kid.

Your Grandpa will no doubt take you camping and fishing. They'll want to take you hunting, which will make me uncomfortable, but you should spend as much quality time with your Grandpa and Papa as you can so, I'll let you go.

That's what I want. I want you to be with us within the next 4.5 years and I want us to have a life together full of memories that you can easily pull up whenever you remember us. I want to take a million pictures and videos of you, of us. I barely have any photos or videos with my mom or my dad and that breaks my heart. No matter how badly I feel about myself in a moment, I will always be proud to be your mother and I will be present in every photo and video you want me in.

I also keep thinking about how the cats will react to you. I think Spartacus will love you. She'll just sense that Lusk blood in you and be obsessed with you like she is with your Papa. Leia will probably just want to be on top of you because you're warm. She's a bit sketchy with her claws and her skittishness so, I'll have to watch her really carefully. Benjen is a mixed bag. He may love you. If he loves you, there will be nothing we can do to keep him from you. If he doesn't care for you, he'll just avoid you. He's constantly on me so, when I'm pregnant, I'm sure all you'll hear will be purring.

It's been 10 years since my dad passed away. I hadn't realized it until I saw it on Facebook. Strange. It just keeps hitting me at random times.

That's got me into an even bigger tizzy because I only had 20 years with my dad and only 23 with my mom. I need you to have more than that. I need to see you find whatever makes you happy. I need you to have support when you're going through something sad, terrible, exciting, scary, life-changing, or mundane. I need to be there for you when you need someone to talk nonsense with.

I can't stop feeling like I'm wasting time by not having you already. At this point, everything I do, everything I'm working towards is simply to have you in my life. You are the driving force in my life.

I love you so incredibly much,

Mama