Hello, Little One,
We're on our way to your Great Aunt Gina's
house for Easter. I hate how I look today, but your Papa said that I was
"stuck being beautiful". He always looks put-together so, I feel like
a blob next to him.
There's hinting going around that I'll be
promoted soon. Amanda (my store manager) made me give her a list of stores I'd
go to. If I get placed at Montgomery, I wouldn't have to move right away. The
rest are at least an hour away. I'm ready. I'm ready to be an Assistant Manager
and I'm ready to move into a place of our own.
Your Papa has been having a hard time at work.
He's so critical of himself that the slightest issue means that he's going to
be fired. That's never the case, but I can't convince him otherwise. He's so
good at making me forget my problems for a while, but I don't really think I
help him much.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what if
I can't have you. What if I'm too old? What if something is wrong with me? What
if I missed my opportunity?
Grandma had me when she was 35. That's my
window for myself then. I have you by the time I'm 35 and I can see you grow up
and start a family.
I keep imagining you with your Papa. Him
feeding you, playing catch, teaching you how to ride a bike, making each other
laugh. I picture you with his eyes (same color as Grandma's) and his dimples.
You're going to have a big, brilliant smile and a laugh that echoes throughout
the room. You'll be quick-witted and funny, but crave knowledge and you'll be
driven to be better than you were before. If you're anything like him, I know
you'll be perfect so, I'm not too worried about you, kid.
Your Grandpa will no doubt take you camping
and fishing. They'll want to take you hunting, which will make me
uncomfortable, but you should spend as much quality time with your Grandpa and
Papa as you can so, I'll let you go.
That's what I want. I want you to be with us
within the next 4.5 years and I want us to have a life together full of
memories that you can easily pull up whenever you remember us. I want to take a
million pictures and videos of you, of us. I barely have any photos or videos
with my mom or my dad and that breaks my heart. No matter how badly I feel
about myself in a moment, I will always be proud to be your mother and I will
be present in every photo and video you want me in.
I also keep thinking about how the cats will
react to you. I think Spartacus will love you. She'll just sense that Lusk
blood in you and be obsessed with you like she is with your Papa. Leia will
probably just want to be on top of you because you're warm. She's a bit sketchy
with her claws and her skittishness so, I'll have to watch her really
carefully. Benjen is a mixed bag. He may love you. If he loves you, there will
be nothing we can do to keep him from you. If he doesn't care for you, he'll
just avoid you. He's constantly on me so, when I'm pregnant, I'm sure all
you'll hear will be purring.
It's been 10 years since my dad passed away. I
hadn't realized it until I saw it on Facebook. Strange. It just keeps hitting
me at random times.
That's got me into an even bigger tizzy
because I only had 20 years with my dad and only 23 with my mom. I need you to
have more than that. I need to see you find whatever makes you happy. I need
you to have support when you're going through something sad, terrible,
exciting, scary, life-changing, or mundane. I need to be there for you when you
need someone to talk nonsense with.
I can't stop feeling like I'm wasting time by
not having you already. At this point, everything I do, everything I'm working
towards is simply to have you in my life. You are the driving force in my life.
I love you so incredibly much,
Mama